Learning Humility

One of the most difficult lessons we learn over and over in life is that we can't do everything by ourselves. Watch a two or three year old attempting a new task and it won't be surprising if they exclaim, "I do it!" as they brush off the help of a parent or older sibling. We like to do things by ourselves because it gives us self confidence or worse, it puffs up our pride. Pride can be a deadly thing, especially when you never admit that you can't do it by yourself.

My experience (Lynne) the past two years or longer has been a dry desert road. I have tried to be strong, pull myself up by my own boot straps, so to speak, and keep going. The result has been to fall flat on my face and not be able to get up without some help. I have been fighting clinical depression, meaning I need medication for help, and it has been tough to admit that I need that help. Christians are supposed to be above depression, using the word of God and prayer to fight the good fight and stand firm, or so we have been told by some people. But what happens when a good soldier is wounded and can't fight any longer? He or she should get rest and good care. That is why Steve and I decided to take a three month sabbatical this past May through July.

We sought out the help of a counselor who deals with people in vocational ministry, and learned what had short circuited my ability to keep living life the way I used to. I won't go into the details, those are mine to keep, but I will say that we tend to think that God will only speak to us in ways we are used to hearing, but suffering and depression brings a different mode of communication. We think God is absent in the desert, but then find that He is the one who has led us there to speak words of love and tenderness. This surprising way of loving his bride opens a way of hearing that we couldn't otherwise. My strength could no londer prop me up, my existence no longer able to sustain my performance oriented mentality, and that was when I could finally hear God whisper His words of love to me.

I'm still learning to believe those gentle words, walking by faith that His word is true for me. I had to go to the desert to be stripped of my own "righteousness" and count on His righteousness alone. The desert is not a fun place, but it is a good place to go. Missionaries have all the same warts as anyone else, we just live in a different country sometimes, and the stress of living in a different culture and speaking a different language can make our weaknesses come to the surface. Thank God for His amazing love and grace to each of us as we journey through this life. His faithfulness is bigger than my faithlessness, and I will love Him forever.